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The Death & Last Will of Congress

From Diary of the American Revolution, Vol II.  Compiled by Frank Moore and published in 1859.

January 19.—Yesterday, in the evening of the lustre of their wretchedness, departed this life, to the great grief of all wicked men, their most exalted Excellencies the Congress of America; and about midnight their remains were deposited in a vault prepared for them in the most comfortable warm region of infernal misery. By their death that sweet babe of grace, Miss America Rebellion, who from her birth (till the death of her parents) had been nursed and brought up with all the tenderness that such delicate charms, such bewitching beauty, and such perfect deformity, could require, is now left a poor helpless orphan, destitute of friends, and in want of the necessaries of life; nor has the poor soul a rag to cover her nakedness.

The following is the last will and testament of the deceased:—”In the name of the Devil, we, the Congress of America, in Congress assembled, being weak in body, low in credit, and poor in estate, but rich, high, and strong in expectation, that by our hellish, faithful behavior on earth, we shall be advanced to the highest esteem and favor of Satan in his kingdom, do make, publish, and declare this our last will and testament in manner following, that is to say, first and principally we do (as by the strongest tie of duty bound) consign our, and each of our souls, purely vicious as they are, together with all, each, and every, the faculty and faculties in separately adherent thereto, or to each of them, unto the most highly damned serpent, his Sovereign Majesty of Hell, he having by many titles a just claim thereto. And it is our will, that our executor hereinafter named, do, as soon as conveniently may be after our decease, or even before it, cause our names to be registered among the grand infernal records of Hell. And, as touching our worldly wealth, which we have by so many noble frauds, robberies, and murders, amassed together and concealed, we give, devise, and bequeath the same unto and between our two most dearly beloved and most vilely great and good allies, the French King, and King of Spain, to hold the same as long as they shall continue to act with the same uniform conduct, and promote the interest of their brother Sovereign, to whose kingdom we are hastening in a swift course of rapidity. But in default of such conduct in them or either of them as aforesaid, then we give, devise, and bequeath, all and whatsoever is before specified, in the last before-mentioned bequest, or the share of such defaulter, to and among all, any, or either of the potentates of Europe, who shall by his, her, their, any or either of their zeal, (manifested by real service to our most noble benefactor Lucifer,) whether under the mask of armed neutrality, open and avowedly, or otherwise howsoever, cherish, succor, help, and comfort all those Americans who shall be inspired with the most noble sentiments of rebellion, against that great enemy to our constitution of Hell, George the Third of Britain, whose subjects in the most strange infatuation look up to, love, and honor their king. In him there is also the most surprising infatuation, that he governs them by their own laws, and wastes all his time to promote their happiness; nor does his infatuation cease here, he loves his queen and family; and, moreover, he is so righteously wicked that he loves and fears his God. Now, we should make another bequest, that is, of the land and soil of North America, by our will, by our free will, it should go to, and be divided between, our two said great and good allies; but doubts arising in our purely vicious breasts concerning the operation of such bequest, we laid our case respecting the same before the Devil in council, who just now returned it with his opinion, hereunder wrote, in the words following:— ‘ No part of the land and soil of North America can be conveyed by your will;—it is as much out of the power of all hell to prevent North America being subject to Britain, as it will be in the power of the King of Spain to hold South America, for Britain will most assuredly extend her dominion over the whole!’ Now, we do nominate and appoint our most infernally noble and dearly beloved Devil, guardian to our dear and only daughter Miss America Rebellion, trusting to him the sole care, maintenance, and education of that most dutiful, beautiful child. And we do also nominate and appoint him sole executor of this our will, made and executed in his presence this eighteenth day of January, and in the fifth year of our independence.

“Signed, sealed, published, declared, and delivered, by order of Congress, (just now expiring,)

“Charles Thomson, Secretary, (L. S.)”1


1 Rivington’s Gazette, January 31.